Hard to believe it’s been almost exactly a year since the last time I wrote in this blog.
Retroactive spoiler alert: it’s been a hell of a year.
The ups have been higher than ever and the lows have been lower than ever, but one of my deepest regrets through it all is that I’ve done absolutely nothing to document it, or even process it.
I’ve just been trying to survive it.
I’ve learned a lot about myself recently, and the biggest takeaway from the last year is this: it’s so easy to lose yourself in the stress and business of every day. But it’s pure laziness to give in to busy. I’m leaning into a new attitude: to pause and breathe and take stock of my life, to be grateful for every experience, to stop glamorizing busy and start celebrating each moment.
In short: I am slowing the hell down.
The truth is, I know exactly why I stopped updating here. Writing takes a lot of introspection. And I think I lost myself for a minute (read: a year or two) there. I’m not sure I like who I was. No one likes that asshole who is constantly talking about how busy they are and making excuses about why they’re never around. Yes, I was busy. Because I let myself be consumed by busy.
And I missed a lot.
Granted, it was only a year or two. But it’s time I’ll never get back. Oh, how I justified it to myself: I’ll work hard now so I can move up and not be so tied to the work! And then when I’m ready to settle down and start a family I can be present and focused on that! But if anything, I trained myself (and everyone around me) that work is king, email is everything, and “two seconds, sorry, I have to answer this…okay, what were you saying?”
YUCK. Who wants to be friends with that? Not me. But I have actual angels for friends, and they’ve waited it out so patiently and compassionately. Frankly, I’m embarrassed by how much I got away from them and from myself.
The good news is that I’m seeing a brilliant therapist who’s helping me understand myself, helping me recognize these habits and where they come from. I’m getting to know myself again, and I like who I’m getting to know.
I still love the promise of the future…but I’m not so blinded by its brightness that I’m willing to ignore the present.
I am still busy. Every day is packed. But I make sure to pack it with moments where I stop to send emails to friends I haven’t made time for, to actually text people back, to schedule staycations so I’m not constantly committed to plans I ended up resenting. I’m learning how to say no! I’m reading books that enrich my mind. I’m going to the gym and giving myself the space to sweat and trudge and recharge in all the ways I haven’t afforded myself.
And most importantly, I am finding something to be grateful in every day, every moment, every triumph and failure, every fresh start and every ending.
The TL;DR version of this entry? I’m back, bitches.
Here’s to getting back to it.