Dreaming the Life

2013 and the holidays and my birthday all flew by before I knew they were gone, but now that things are slowing down and I have a moment to catch my breath and take stock of my life, two things are abundantly clear.

I am very very happy, and I miss my sister terribly.

my mantra (and current iPhone wallpaper) via Renee Nicole

Thing the first: happiness. I don’t know when it happened but I found my joy again. I look forward to work each day, I look forward to time spent with my loved ones, I’m making plans and planning ahead and just generally enjoying myself like I haven’t been able to in a long time.

In contrast: I had a super domestic dream the other night. I was married and we owned a house and had a dog and a newborn, and I was playing with the baby and changing diapers and doing mom things, and it was lovely.

And when I woke, I was totally grossed out.

Dream Nicole may have enjoyed playing house, but Real Nicole is SO in love with her current life. Today I decided on a whim that I wanted to see Bruno Mars & Pharrell play the Hollywood Bowl. So I just bought tickets. That’s it. Found my dream home for rent in my dream neighborhood and if we get it we’re moving in two weeks. I love that. I love the exhilaration of knowing that I don’t have anything holding me back from going after what I want. At work, the sky’s the limit for what I can accomplish. The only thing I’m lacking is more hours in the day, and that’s a great place to be.

Because you know what I’m really in love with? Possibility. That feeling of something dangling just out of reach, of being able to visualize getting it and it feels like “being tugged through the darkness by a hook behind your belly button.”

Yeah, that’s a Portkey description, but whatever. That’s how it feels. And that’s what I was missing so desperately last year: that anticipation, even the possibility, of something good coming. But this year, everything’s coming up Milhouse Pirshafiey and damn if that’s not a great feeling.

joy does not simply happen to us we have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day quote by henri j m nouwen
Hey look I made a thing. That’s how joyful I am. I can make things.

I thank my lucky stars that I have so many things to look forward to. Which leads us to thing the second: I MISS MY SISTER.

It’s been seven months since she left America the Beautiful for America the Samoan and damn if I don’t know how I’m going to get through even more time apart from her. It was easier last year, when she had a decent internet connection and we could Skype and chat and catch up with each other from 4500 miles away. Now, though, I’m lucky if I get to talk to her more than once a month. She’s busy, I’m busy, the time difference is all wibbly wobbly, and now technology is getting in the way. So now I’m just counting down the days until I can fly out to visit her.

If anyone needs me, I'll be listening to A Case of You and crying like a big baby and missing my sister.

But besides the fact that it’s 3am (I must be lonely…and now I’m sad again because Matchbox 20 is Beave’s favorite band—don’t judge her, that’s my job) and I can’t sleep because tonight the role of Overly Attached Big Sister is obviously  being played by yours truly, I have no complaints. On the whole, I pretty much have sunshine and optimism shooting out of my ass. (Looking back, using “on the whole” and “out of my ass” in the same thought was probably not my best work.)

Good things are around the corner at work and at home and I finally feel like I have a grasp on my weird little life. My 10 year high school reunion is a few months away. I’m going to Coachella and Comic Con and traveling far and wide this year. My best friends are doing the domestic dirty work and having babies and letting me live vicariously through them so I can hit snooze on my own biological clock and continue my Peter Pan lifestyle.

So as nice as it was to be dreaming the life, it’s much nicer to be living the dream.

…nope, I don’t know what the hell that means either. Cut me some slack, it’s late and I had two Shrek fingers of Grand Marnier earlier.


One thought on “Dreaming the Life

  1. I am so happy that everything is going so well for you! And I miss her too 😦 like all the time. Let’s just have your dad fly us all out there for a big giant reunion!

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