The Dark Thirty Rises: Putting It In The Book

I’ve just had an apostrophe!

(I think I mean an epiphany.)

Every day as I’m driving home, I’m upset that I can’t be using my 1.5 hour commute (one-way) for something productive. It always ends up being 90 minutes of me singing along with Broadway musicals at the top my lungs as a release from the stress of traffic.

But as I was driving home earlier this week, I realized something: now that Siri isn’t a complete idiot, the dictation functionality has greatly improved–now when I say something out loud, she actually knows what I’m saying (gasp!). And since I tend to think out loud and in complete sentences and don’t generally make a habit of proofreading my blogs anyway, I figure I’ll start dictating my blog on my way home. So today, let’s start with the fact that I had a nervous breakdown in the bathroom at work yesterday.

It wasn’t a big one…don’t worry, I’m fine. But for some reason (and probably not at all related to the fact that my best friend just turned 31), I realized that I’m turning 30 soon…well, soon is a relative term, but still. It’s looming ahead in the not-too-distant future and that worries me because although my life has stabilized from the chaos of last year, I still don’t know if I’m on the right track. Whatever that means. The point is, I felt the first time my life the impulse that “by the time I’m 30 I want to be something.”

Image
This quote strikes fear into my deeply unfulfilled heart.

I don’t know what it is about 30. But I know that I don’t want to be on my way. I don’t want to be a work in progress. I want to be…something. I’m unmarried with no children and nothing tangible to show for my 27 years on this earth. I mean, I have cats, but they don’t count. I didn’t make them, I just haven’t killed them yet.

But I know that by the time I’m 30, I want something that I can hold up like baby Simba and show to the kingdom. So, that means finally committing myself. No, this is not the “I’m ready to get married and settle down” post. It’s the “I’m ready to start taking myself and my dreams a little more seriously” post. That NAAAANTS INGOYAMA YABAGITHA BABA moment? I want it to be me holding up my first book. I’ve made excuse after excuse this past year, but to be honest, I just haven’t been driven to do it. And it doesn’t help that ever since I made the decision to become a capital w Writer, I’ve been tossed around on the sea of life with so many squalls that I haven’t been able to put the time and energy into forcing myself to do it, either. But now? Now I have a good job. I have a stable life (outliers excluded). I’m doing pretty well. But I think I could be doing GODDAMN AMAZING if I just let myself do what it is I came here to do in the first place.

let it out honey mean girls gif
This is oddly a propos for being completely irrelevant.

When I’m at the store, when I’m in the shower, the stories weave themselves and the words pile up, but I don’t have the means to stop and let them pour out. But now, now that I realize Siri can be my court stenographer, I can maybe start to  put it in the book.

So this is it. The beginning of a new chapter of knowing what I want and giving myself the means to make it happen.

HEAR YE HEAR YE LET IT BE KNOWN HENCEFORTH THROUGHOUT THE REALM THAT THE SPOKEN WORD COMPOSITION OF THE MUCH IGNORED NOVEL HAS BEGUN.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a new chapter to write.

Sent from my iPhone (This was actually included in the note I sent myself, and I thought it was nice touch. So sue me.)

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3 thoughts on “The Dark Thirty Rises: Putting It In The Book

  1. Bev

    You just had an apostrophe? What a coincidence; I just had a period!

    Dictating your blog? Brilliant; I’ve missed the inside of your head! Just promise not to edit out the spontaneous multilingual profanities you shout at discourteous drivers; I would like to learn from the master.

    Committing yourself to your novel is excellent; you are a talented writer, and smart, and funny, and I can’t wait to see what you do. And if turning 30 is the prod you need to get going on it, cool. But fuck 30, and 40, and (personally) 50. And fuck the idea that you need to produce something to justify your existence. You think you haven’t accomplished anything in your 27 years just because you don’t have something to put on your mantle? Do you have any idea how much you have contributed to and enhanced my life–and we have never even fucking met in person! Your thoughts, your actions, have contributed to the restructuring of my brain (in a good way!)–just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not real. Imagine what you have accomplished for all those close to you, and let that be the end of thinking you’ve done nothing with your life.

    Write because it’s who you are, because the stories delight or scare you, because you can’t not, but don’t write to produce a book.

  2. Feiss

    Oy. Sooner for me than for you. Although now that you mention it, I had this moment last year and proceeded to set three goals for myself (precipitated by one of my 1st year resident Chinese friends visiting me in Shanghai to tell me that “You are going to have a super hard life after you’re thirty because you’ve pissed away your twenties” <—this is why I call you Goatee Lisa, Goatee Lisa! Cause I hate you!) . 1. Get a job that doesn't make me want to fuck my eye socket with a pencil. 2. Lose 30 pounds. 3. Get married.

    So far it's a maybe on #1, a Bwaa Bwaa on #2, and a yeah, well that's probably gonna be a thing at some point on #3.

  3. The Nerdy Girlie

    This was such an amazing post girlie! I love your writing style and am so happy to see you take charge and get your novel going! I had a similar experience when I was getting ready to turn 30. I was scared, I was sad that my life wasn’t “put together.” But once it hit, it was like WOW this is perfect. Things began falling into place and I finally knew what I wanted to do with my life and I was slowly getting there. I have started doing things I have always wanted to do and just finally being happy with ME! You are so great and I cannot wait to see what you do in the future!! xo

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