Arizona, bringing legal profiling to a citizen near you.

Forgive me Father, it’s been 10 days since my last confession blog post.

Whoops, my ex-Catholic is showing.

Anyway, what I wanted to say is that it’s only been 10 days since my last post, but I feel like it’s been weeks because SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED.

My dear friends Adam and Heather got married! Our senior Omegabed member Matt escaped from Jersey for the week! We saw Kick-Ass and it kicked so much ass! Donnie found out that his job transfer may have us moving out to California as soon as May 22! His sister gave birth to a gorgeous second daughter!

Bad news: all the busy (no time to work out + no time to prepare healthy meals) + my monthly ride on the crimson wave = mega weight gain. Oof.

More bad news, news that actually matters: SB1070 was signed into law. Such bullshit.

Bullshit Part One: “B. FOR ANY LAWFUL CONTACT MADE BY A LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICIAL OR AGENCY OF THIS STATE OR A COUNTY, CITY, TOWN OR OTHER POLITICAL SUBDIVISION OF THIS STATE WHERE REASONABLE SUSPICION EXISTS THAT THE PERSON IS AN ALIEN WHO IS UNLAWFULLY PRESENT IN THE UNITED STATES, A REASONABLE ATTEMPT SHALL BE MADE, WHEN PRACTICABLE, TO DETERMINE THE IMMIGRATION STATUS OF THE PERSON.”

Um, define “reasonable suspicion,” por favor. Oh shit, I speak Spanish and I have dark hair and a tan, could I be an illegal immigrant? Well, all I carry for identification is a driver’s license, which doesn’t pass for proof of legal status, so I guess you can go ahead and cart me off to jail until I can prove I’m a citizen.

Bullshit Part Two: “E. A LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER, WITHOUT A WARRANT, MAY ARREST A PERSON IF THE OFFICER HAS PROBABLE CAUSE TO BELIEVE THAT THE PERSON HAS COMMITTED ANY PUBLIC OFFENSE THAT MAKES THE PERSON REMOVABLE FROM THE UNITED STATES.”

Now that being an illegal immigrant is a crime, anyone who looks like they could be an illegal immigrant (read: BROWN) can be arrested until they can verify their legal status in this country. It’s straight up legalization of racial profiling.

I have a degree in political science, so I’m not bullshitting when I say I read the bill in its entirety and it’s wholly illegal. There’s no way this shit will stand, but the fact that the majority of Arizonans support the bill is horrifying.

The beautiful thing about this embarrassing debacle is that people’s true colors are being revealed. For example, some of my downlow racist “friends” have exposed themselves for what they are. The vitriol people are spewing on this topic! It’s abominable. I quote: ” Look at statistics. A MUCH higher percentage of crimes is caused by hispanics (a high majority done by those are here illegally) then by other races.” Could I be any more ashamed to be lumped in the same pool of voters as this fucker?! The bottom line is that if you support this bill you’re either ignorant of the facts, willfully ignoring the facts, or a balls-to-the-walls racist. Either way, your name is Fucker and you’re no longer someone I want to be associated with. On the flip side, the protesters are composing such stirring, gorgeously-structured arguments that knock these dicks in the dirt, and I’m so proud to call them my friends.

Case in point, this was written by the amazing Juan Fortenberry whom I met in elementary school and am honored to call my friend today: “There is no way to justify a law that takes a steaming shit on civil rights. This bill lacks definition, offers zero parameters as to how to determine the suspicion of one’s immigration status or any other criteria and is chocked full of generalities. It’s unconstitutional at its foundation and that in itself is enough to end all debate about it.”

Today Juan joined me and Donnie, the aforementioned Adam&Heather, and several other friends at a protest at the Capitol to show that we don’t support the bill and that, come election time, our votes will speak for themselves when that twat of a governor Jan Brewer loses the governorship that we didn’t even elect her to.

Here are our protest signs:

Burn.

Well, I should revise my previous statement to say “their” votes will show it, since by November I’ll be long gone from the craphole of a state. If I weren’t already planning on leaving the state for work and school, this bill law would have been the straw the broke the camel’s back. UH OH, camel = Middle Eastern immigrant = terrorist = papers, please.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Activist, signing off. Good night, and…well, you know the rest.

***EDIT: The fucking Scottsdale troll that won’t stop commenting with utter bullshit is being blocked from commenting.  Sorry to remove the hilarity of the nutjob cockbastard, but this is a stupid-free zone.  Carry on, sane people, I love you and thanks for coming by.***

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15 thoughts on “Arizona, bringing legal profiling to a citizen near you.

  1. I find it completely mind-blowing that SNL had the greatest line about this, they were saying on Weekend Update how as.king for papers was a line in every movie about Nazi’s ever, in fact “Hitler’s family gets a royalty check every time somebody asks for papers”. I’m ashamed to say I laughed at something on SNL. Do I need to start re-evaluating my life?

    1. bigenglish

      We’ll let it slide this once, but don’t let it happen again.

      Honestly, it’s sad that comedy programs are doing a better job at cutting through bullshit and calling it like they sees it than most news outlets. Jon Stewart, I’m talking to you.

  2. Bob

    Yeah, but you’ll be living in California where people think it’s fine and dandy to deny civil rights to gay people. Not that Arizona doesn’t as well, but there are plenty of haters here in Cali. Have you noticed how the racists are the same ad the homophobes? Older, white, so-called Christians who fear anything different from themselves.

    1. bigenglish

      I was just saying that yesterday: the Republican party is less concerned with improving their own lives than they’re interested in knocking The Others down. They’re desperately trying to maintain power and control over others, and it’s pathetic and embarrassing. Dear Conservatives: get a fucking life.

  3. Jenna

    LOVE the signs!!! You should’ve called me! Also SO agree with Bob…one day, I really hope we’ll look back as a nation and just be disgusted with ourselves. Homophobia and racism go hand-in-hand, God forbid anyone not be born white and straight. And because someone is not born so “privileged”, let’s go ahead and take away their rights. Coming from a white straighty, I am so entirely disgusted.

    1. bigenglish

      My BFFF > everyone else’s BFFF.

      I hate hateful people and I’m intolerant of intolerant people.

      PARADOX!!! Psychic split commencing in T minus 3…2…1….

  4. Alan

    Being white and straight doesn’t always save you from profiling. Like this one time (not at band camp), I was leaving my friend’s house (poor neighborhood) at 2:30 a.m. A Gilbert cop pulled me over, said he “faintly smelled” marijuana, and proceeded to search my car for 1/2 an hour while I waited at least 30 feet away with another cop (he called for backup) to “keep me company”. It was January, I was cold, they didn’t let me have my jacket. I kept explaining to them that I was white and that I like to bang chicks, but still I received no mercy. If life is a competition, as a W.M.A., shouldn’t I have won already? Why am I still losing!?

      1. Alan

        The event actually happened. My comments about being white were a joke. What I actually did was engage the other cop in conversation, hoping to present myself as an honest citizen so that maybe they’d cut the search short. But they searched every square inch. I bet acting innocent is what every guilty person does and so they assumed that, because I was acting innocent, I must be a crackhead.

    1. bigenglish

      LOL, Alan is a comedian friend of mine. He’s a professional goofball.

      When in doubt, I assume everyone acting shady is a crackhead and everyone not acting shady is covering up their crackheadery. It’s kept me alive this long….

    1. bigenglish

      Sorry, Adam, I cannot tell a lie. Alan, Mr. Willis is a time-traveling android. He was stranded on the planet Kaskyyyk for several seasons, and after trippin’ ballz on some bad red matter, warped into our reality. He now enjoys recharging his hybrid brain battery and taking long romantic walks on the beach with his newly procured Mrs. Android.

      Alan, Adam. Adam, Alan.

      My work is done.

  5. bigenglish

    Dear Troll,

    Yes, I am in fact still reading your comments, even if they do go straight to the spam folder since you decided to start insulting me personally. Not because I disagree with your comments, but because you didn’t seem interested in a civil debate about the facts of the law. If you are, please, feel free to e-mail me at pirshafiey@gmail.com and I love to discuss the law in a totally respectful, intellectual manner. I’m currently discussing this issue with my uncle, a soldier serving in Iraq right now, who supports the bill. There’s no name calling, our posts end with genuine well wishes to each other, and we’re both learning a lot. Please don’t misunderstand my censoring of your comments. It’s not that I want to silence any opposition to my opinion; if you knew me at all, you’d know I relish in debate, especially of the political variety! This just isn’t the forum for this discussion. This is my blog, where I’m exercising my writing muscles, not my arguing muscles. Again, feel free to contact me directly and we can engage in a civil and open discussion of this hot-button law.

    But tell me I have no class because I don’t want a troll on my blog one more time, and I’ll rescind my offer and replace it with one of broken kneecaps, you shady motherfucker. 🙂

    Warmest regards,
    Cole

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